Fears (the big kind)

I don't like sharing things that constitute as "personal feelings." But I do like writing about these things sometimes...it can be therapeutic in a way. So maybe sharing my personal thoughts is okay every now and then. Everyone has fears, but it's when you let those fears hold you back that you become hindered by them. That being said, here are some of mine:

1. Getting older. 

I don't know why, but I've always slightly dreaded getting older. Even when I was 16 years old and all my friends couldn't wait to be 18 or when I was 14 years old and all my friends counted down to 16. I always felt like the older I got, the closer I'd be to leaving behind a stage of my life that I truly loved. I'm a really nostalgic and sentimental person. I love having traditions and I love looking back on fun memories and laughing about old times. I love being young and I think that even as I get older, I'll always be a kid at heart. Even knowing this though, I still get scared thinking about leaving behind good times. I still get scared for the next thing...especially now as I begin to think about the post college life and the idea of being a 'real' adult.

2. Being vulnerable. 

This may be my biggest fear of all. Being completely open and vulnerable. Even writing this blog post feels too forward and too touchy-feely. I'm not a mushy-gushy kind of person and talking about my feelings is something that scares me x1000. Putting myself out there completely (even if to the people I'm closest to): talking about my weaknesses, my fears, my feelings...it all makes me scared.

3. Disappointing people (including myself). 

I've always hated the idea of disappointing people, whether it be my parents, my teachers, my coaches, or even myself. I think everyone fears this a little bit. I want to make the people I love proud. I want to make myself proud. And anything less than that will probably always be a fear of mine. It's a heart wrenching idea to me.

4. Being boring (aka normal). 

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a goofball. I'm sarcastic. I'm rarely serious. I love to laugh until my stomach hurts. I like to talk in weird voices and about weird things that make no sense and to dance like a weirdo and make up songs about daily activities and to be spontaneous as often as possible and to roll all my windows down and sing along with my favorite songs and not care who hears me. The idea of ditching all of that for being normal and responsible and boring makes me cringe.

5. Losing my way. 

I don't mean getting lost because I took the wrong exit on the freeway (although this should be more of a fear for me considering how easily I get lost). One of my favorite quotes is: "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything." I'm not sure who said this but I love it. Because it's true. Lucky for me, I'm pretty (very) opinionated. So falling for anything the world throws at me is unlikely. But the idea of being swayed by others still makes me scared. The idea of being manipulated or tricked or conveyed to stray from everything I believe in is a scary idea.

ALSO just like, you know, spiders, snakes, the usual.

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